Fallen Petal
by Darla Kane
Summary: post-season 4, Angel's thoughts while visiting Cordelia (I suck at summaries - sorry!)


Title: "Fallen Petal"  
  
Author: Darla Kane  
  
Email: DarlaB@gmx.de  
  
Rating: G  
  
Pairing: C/A all the way! (DUH!)  
  
Summary: Angel's thought while visiting Cordelia (I suck at summaries - sorry!)  
  
Spoiler: season 4, takes place sometime in season 5 (no spoilers for s5, though)  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made. The title belongs to that wonderful brain of my beloved Ally. :)  
  
Distribution: AI, NF, my site... Whoever wants it, just drop me a line.  
  
Notes: Merci beaucoup for the title, Ally! *hugs* This story is for you!  
  
Feedback: Needed as much as Cordy on ANGEL (alright, maybe that actually was a tiny exaggeration! *g*)  
  
Ever so slowly he opened the door. As always the whiteness was blinding him. "You should be used to it by now," he thought. He spent most of his time in the bright light of the day and hardly walked around at night anymore. Things had changed so much since she...  
  
His eyes wandered to the one colorful spot in the room. Some flowers on her nightstand, red and yellow roses. He brought them two days ago and the first petal already lay on the floor. He picked it up and just looked at it for a while, lost in thoughts.  
  
When he finally sat down beside the bed, he couldn't turn his eyes to her at first. It was still hard for him. It got harder every day. Watching her fade away like a flower, unable to do anything.  
  
It wasn't like he had tried really hard the past few months. There had been a time when he would have moved heaven and earth to make sure that she was fine. He still would... but somewhere along the way he had given up. He had to accept that he couldn't be her savior for once.  
  
That was about the same time he stopped visiting her. He just couldn't bear to look at her and see his failure. But that wasn't the only thing he saw. She also reminded him of everything he had lost. The hope that once used to fill his life, the purpose and mission the Powers had given him, happiness he never thought he could feel... and love.  
  
All of that was gone now. He had traded hope and his mission for a questionable position at Wolfram & Hart. He gave up his happiness when he let Connor go and alienated his friends through his and their work. And love... Love seemed to be such a distant memory. Way out of reach.  
  
He remembered when it hadn't been like that. When love had been so close, it had almost made his heart leap in joy. The only thing it might have taken to reach it completely was the courage to say three little words. Three words he never got to tell her.  
  
Carefully he stroked a strand of hair from her face. She was still just beautiful despite the paleness that covered her cheeks now.  
  
He wished he had told her. He wished he knew if she had felt the same way about him. He wished they would have met on the bluffs all those months ago. He wished... He wished wishing would change anything. But it didn't. He would never know if he could have been more than a friend to her.  
  
Still she lay there, unmoving apart from her soft breathing. Somehow this always consoled him a little. It meant she was still alive, that he wasn't completely alone... that he hadn't lost her yet.  
  
Yet. He dreaded that thought. The thought that there might come a time she wouldn't be there anymore. He knew it was selfish of him that he wanted her to go on in this state forever if she didn't wake up. But he couldn't let her go. He just couldn't.  
  
That was probably why he started vistiting her again earlier this week. He had thought once he would stop seeing her every day, he might find a way to go on without her. But he had been wrong. He had felt numb, just going through the motions - and didn't even recognize the person he had become.  
  
So he just had to see her again. No matter how much it tore him up inside. In a very strange way it helped him deal - just talking to her, telling her about another one of his days as the head of Wolfram & Hart.  
  
Every time he immediately imagined what she would tell him. What would make her smile, or worry - or scold him for being too weak to get out of this thing. Sometimes he even heard her voice so clearly in his head that it felt so real it hurt.  
  
He wished he could just listen to her and really get out of his contract with this law firm. He knew it was wrong and she would never have approved of his decision whatever the reasons were. But he couldn't. He had nothing to fall back on anymore. So he simply stayed.  
  
He tried to wipe away all these dark thoughts and just enjoy to sit beside his best friend for a moment. He slowly took her hand. It felt way too cold for the lively girl she used to be. But he did his best to ignore it for now and just concentrate on the soft touch of her skin. He gently kissed her fingertips before looking at her closed eyes. His voice was barely a whisper when he started speaking, still not letting go of her hand.  
  
"Cordy, I... I know it's too late. But a part of me still hopes you'll hear this wherever you are."  
  
He had to choke back the emotions that threatened to make his voice fail.  
  
"I want to thank you for everything. For making me see things I never knew were there. For making me a better man."  
  
A moment of silence filled the room. Maybe he was waiting for a reaction he knew that wouldn't come. Taking an unneeded breath he finally said,  
  
"I love you, Cordy. Still. I love you with all my heart."  
  
He gave her a soft kiss on her forehead and stood up. For once his tired posture gave away his true age. His hand already on the doorknob he turned around again to look at her.  
  
No, he wasn't her Prince and she wasn't his Sleeping Beauty. He couldn't wake her up with a confession and a kiss. He had known that, especially after all this time.  
  
With a sad sigh he left the room and silently closed the door behind him. 


End file.
